How toxic relationships start
Those who are emotionally dependent tend to elevate their partners in the relationships putting them on pedestals to the point of the partner taking them for granted. It could also be the other way around where emotionally dependent people try to manipulate or control their partner or act out the victim where suffering gives them a weird sense of pleasure simply because they can speak out about it. Darlene Lancer, a psychotherapist narrates how there is a difference between true love and emotional dependence and here are 210 signs of unhealthy affection so that you don’t fall into a toxic relationship.
You think you have found the love of your life at the beginning
Some people are extremely amorous and lovable on the first date and even after it. They will feel that “This is the person I’ve been waiting for all my life, this is Mr. /Mrs. Right”. But this isn’t always the case. Wait to let the intensity of the first meeting cool off before making hasty decisions. See how you feel later on. If you feel you are now in a situation, distract yourself with other activities so that you won’t think about the person too much.
You idealize your partner too much.
When you start a relationship, you need to listen rather than speak but you also need to listen carefully. If you find a person saying “I’m not the easiest person”. This could be an initial hint that they are revealing a bit about themselves and you are not aware of it. Don’t overlook even casual telltale signs of small hints.
You need to reassure people
When you hear certain words of self-criticism, do not go into reassurance mode by saying “that’s nonsense, don’t worry about it” warning signs could also be hints that you aren’t right for that person and they don’t exactly want you around them. It could also be a subtle hint that they will enter into a relationship only on their terms. People in love compromise and don’t say such things which is a like it or lump it attitude. If you hear too many of these phrases, think carefully if you really want to be in such a relationship.
You start neglecting friends for the sake of your partner
If you have entered into a relationship, it doesn’t mean you should stop seeing your friends. It’s natural to be so taken up with a new partner that you don’t see your friends often after that or you want to share everything about them to your friends. But you need to understand that your friends too like spending moments with you and aren’t exactly raring to hear constantly rave about the new person in your life.Your friends may also form different opinions about your partner, so introduce your partner to them as soon as possible so that they too may tell you what they think. Perhaps they will see certain negative signs that you don’t see to prevent you entering a toxic relationship. If your partner does not express eagerness to meet your friends’ or relations, it means they aren’t serious about the relationship.
Your hobbies take a back seat
New partners can take up all your time and thoughts to the point of not wanting to indulge I your favorite hobbies anymore. There is no need to make your new partner the center of your world. It would not be right to depend on them for your entire happiness, well being and even your mood. To avoid this, simply keep up your favorite activities and pursuits to provide an alternate distraction.
You turn a blind eye to warning signals
Whenever doubts or suspicions crop up in your mind, it isn’t always unfound and it may be good to trust yourself sometimes and pay attention to them. If there is some pattern of behavior that is casting suspicion or doubts on your partner nature, then confront it immediately. Don’t make a false assumption that people change on their own. It should be said at least once to someone who loves and values you so that the person is given a chance to improve themselves.
You justify your partner’s actions to his childhood traumas
If your partner has suffered childhood traumas, there is no need to justify his actions as a result of them. Neither should you justify negative actions towards you to work issues, and family experiences because you don’t need to be your partner’s savior or punching bag. If you are constantly playing the role of a victim, then you need to find out why.
You completely trust the opinion of your partner
If you start doing things you have never done before because of pressure from your partner, then this is a very bad sign and unhealthy for a relationship. When you start conforming to other’s beliefs and forget about your own, it means you are losing an important part of your identity and not being true to yourself. Adjusting and compromising on beliefs is ok if you feel it to be true but blindly agreeing to all that your partner tells you is not good. You simply become your partner’s shadow and this will gradually result in health issues and will also make your partner lose interest in you or start taking you for granted. You don’t want to be a doormat.
You feel incredibly jealous over everything
Your past should never impact your present. Bad experiences that you may have faced in the past or being afraid of loneliness should not reflect in your relationships. You need to address these issues in yourself and ask yourself if the obsessive jealousy arises from valid instances or are they just your own insecurities and fears. Excessive displays of jealousy can risk an end to your relationship and you won’t be losing your partner to someone else because you will be the reason they leave. Nobody likes to be mistrusted constantly and neither do they like having to make constant reassurances of love.
When valid reasons of jealousy are dismissed
This is the opposite scenario of point no 9 when you do have valid reasons to be jealous but your partner least bothered. Instead of apologizing and saying things like ““I’m sorry. I didn’t think it would hurt you. It won’t happen again...” you are told in an agitated tone “It doesn’t mean anything.” If you start reassuring yourself and friends that your relationship is strong but you are nagged by Doubts and fears, then it’s time to reconsider your relationship.
You can’t stand your partner not being around you
It isn’t uncommon to want your partner to spend as much time with you but it is equally important the time when you both aren’t with each other. There are many activities you can do by yourself, you also have friends too. A good relationship needs its space and partners shouldn’t smother each other. The trick is not to focus on negativity and doubts that your partner is flirting with someone else. Your partner could be doing important things like work or attending to family issues or they could also be spending time with close friends. These aren’t things to seek permission for nor should they have to hide it from you.
You anxiousness about this won’t help diffuse the situation and will worsen it instead. Never spend all of your free time thinking constantly about your partner. Concentrate on yourself and the important things you need to attend to, even activities that make you happy which will then make your partner even more interested in you. To remedy this solution, you could look for activities to do such as read a book with a cup of coffee, or watch a movie, take a hot bath or call up a friend.
You keep justifying your partner’s bad behavior.
Being in love sometimes blinds us to the bad behavior and habits of our partners. Given the fact that everyone isn’t perfect, doesn’t mean that you have to justify or condone their terrible habits that may create a bad impression or affect others. You need to pay attention to your partner’s behavior towards you and others because such things could create serious issues later.
If you see your partner behaving attentively and nice towards you on the first date but later on displaying signs of aggression or insensitivity such as shouting at waiters in a restaurant for small mistakes then this is a sign that all is not right with him and there could be a number of issues ranging from aggression, short-temperedness, bad attitude or they could be an obnoxious spoilt person. After the honeymoon, you will be the next target of insults for petty problems, so be warned earlier.
You don’t know how to say No
Love doesn’t mean saying yes all the time to your partner and pleasing them constantly. If you have to refuse something such as invitations or events that don’t interest you, say no politely. Although, it requires compromise where you both do the things the other likes, still if it doesn’t fit into your work schedule or it is beyond your capacity, say no! Don’t agree just for the sake of not offending your partner and never please a person incessantly beyond your means because later on the act will be taken for granted and never appreciated.
Don't place your emotional state on your partner
You are responsible for your own emotional issues because these often appear from your own thoughts. Negativity takes hold in mysterious ways and then you start making a scapegoat for your issues. Confront them and that is the only way you can get rid of them. Neither should you start obsessing over what your lover is doing or start building upon their words and actions which actually don’t mean a thing. Never allow negativity and fantasies to torment you.
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